A lil bit more..

Posted by anandini at 09:32 PM on October 1, 2007.

It's very see-saw-ish at the moment. Very traumatised still, and still wishing evyrthing was a dream. Wishing nothing took place, nothing at all.. all the way back those years, nothing took place. Nothing. So, there wouldnt be a reason for me to feel as though my whole life has juz crumbled.

What's a dream? What's ur life? What's to hope? When with just one slip.. evrythin comes crumbling down, breakin me up so bad.. Im still wondering if I'd ever be able to piece myself up all over again.

And Im usually able to. Ive been thru many of these before. But Ive never been what I was, for the past 2 years. Dat was something Ive never been. I devoted myself completely. Totally, and completely. Maybe I shouldnt have had, eh.. hhmmm, despite it all. How and why? Yeah, I oughta stop asking why.

But, Im ok. Really I am.

Brahmas are gonna leave me a prominent mid-section, though. Just realised Im getting so fat, now.

She's a darling. She's made me feel better, and gave me a different perspective of thoughts. She's been there for me, and I know she'll always be around for me. Wish she was here, coz a hug would do wonders now. Sent me this song, which sorta made me sob a lil.. but yeah, me loves you, babes!

Martina McBride
Anyway.
.
.
.
You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin
One storm could come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You could chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all you heart
For all the right reasons
And in a momemt they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like i think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love anyway
.
.
.

I believe Im strong. I also believe Im in so much denial, I could shoot MJ down, and pretend he's actually black..and get away with it. Ok, it doesnt make sense. But nevermind.

I hate this feeling of uncertainty. Im always sure of evrything. Im always aware of evyrthing. So, it drives me crazy when it feels my very own life is heading in so many directions, it's making me dizzy. I was sure of my goals and dreams. But now, one very important dream has been crushed. I need to go on.. but how?

Ok. Enough of me and the whines.

Dad msged and said he's bought a new phone. N70. Canggih betul dat old man.. even my phone's mighty chaplang, my half-century *almost a bit more!* Dad using one helluva canggih phone.. not bad, not bad.

I miss them.

I miss a lot of things.

Ok, Im not gonna start.

Ive found a great friend. And someway or rather, we're very much alike. Which is good. Or not? I think it's good.

Started Obs&Gyne today, will be arnd for the next whole month. All's cool, except having to travel to and fro to the 7th hosp. Had that journey, coz it's so frickin far.

Im gonna go do something beneficial now. Something which will take my mind off things. Something.. I dunno

Have a lovely day.

And dont worry. Im still, Anan.

moo moo?

Happiness?

Posted by anandini at 04:14 AM on October 2, 2007.

Unc Shan.. Me loves you!! I knw you're reading this... :D

Ok. Im off to bed. Nites.

Be good. And have a lovely day..

3 moo moo-ed

Evrything's good..?

Posted by anandini at 10:45 PM on October 2, 2007.

Grey's Anatomy 401 is simply orgasmic therapeutic. The drama, the bitchyness, the make-ups & the break-ups. The hopes.

When I was goin thru hell with evrything and all... my Mum, wantin to cheer me up, told me...'Girl, you'll be ok. Look at evryone from Grey's Anatomy. Live goes on, yeah..' Yeah, My Mum. Amazing, I dint know to cry even more, or to laugh.

Speaking of which. Oh wat the heck.. nevermind dat.

How is it, now that Im feeling so frickin fat.. someone comes up to me and tells me Ive lost weight? *slaps forehead* And no, Im not exaggerating. I am fat now.

Today I questioned myself, of being myself. Y'know, like how evrything transitions into the next phase... I dont know how it got to this, but Im blaming myself for wat happend. It makes me feel really low, and tiny.

Nevermind.

Obs & Gyne is tiring. Very very penatfying.

Im not myself. My smiles are sculptures of nothing. So, Im not gonna continue this entry.

Yes. Bipolar.

Have a good day.

moo moo?

Where's hope when I need it?

Posted by anandini at 09:35 PM on October 3, 2007.

I did somethin really stupid, juz about a copla minutes ago. I shouldnt have had. I knew of the consequences, so why did I? I dont frickin know.. dammit.

Gotta get stronger. Gotta start hating. Just gotta...

I was looking for one particular entry,and ended up raiding my archive... oh, and it literally killed. How happy I was. How pretty evrything appeared to be. How I was promised the world, and eternity. 

What wrong have I done, to deserve being so hurt like this? How did I believe the one thing I was so sure of, will last.. only to find myself grasping the last bit of truth I hold upon my life now?

I need to get it settle. I need to find peace within it. I need to talk to him, tell him evyrthing Ive been wanting to, and to decide what Im gonna do.

I really dont deserve this. Im a good person. And I really dont deserve this.

I need a hug.

I feel myself disintegrating.  

moo moo?

And this is why..

Posted by anandini at 10:38 PM on October 4, 2007.

Babez told me, '..that if there werent all these dumb f*cks in life.. we wont be able to appreciate the good ones. Forgive, for Im sure hurting you was never the intention..'

Point. And well noted. Made me reconsider things.

Also had a long talk with Dear Unc Shan yesterday. Made me reconsider many things as well.

Im just so grateful for these great wonderful people who care so much for me. Them, and many more.. they've really helped me regain myself. Shown me what Im worth of, and how I deserve something which will make me happy in time to come.

It's intoxicating to be in class now. With all the renovation going on, the fumes of paint thinner, and the whole noise and what nots. Thubthumping in the head, is inevitable.

I bought me some comfort food. Lovely peaches in jell-o.. and a carton of white wine. And chocolates. Yeah, Ive been crying too much.. I need a lil smile, to keep me all alive.

Im gonna be ok. It still hurts, I still keep asking myself so many whys and hows and whens. I still feel so useless, for I sorta blame myself for it all, if not partially. But, Im gonna be ok. As Unc Shan said, Im not in denial.. Im just hopeful. Which then I asked myself, hopeful for what? Yah, only I know.. hopeful for what.

We'll be making raviolis tmrw!! And then a horror movie session.. with coke and chips, and alco! Nice..

To keep busy, plastered smile on my face, all cheery and happy... but then again. Oh nevermind.

Oooh,... I found an old childhood person. He's not a friend, not a relative.. but then again, he's a bit of both. It's nice to rekindle these kinda ties.

I love ya'll.. truly I do. Have a lovely day. 

3 moo moo-ed

Potato chips rock!!

Posted by anandini at 07:40 PM on October 5, 2007.

Like a champion. Honestly. Like a champion, I broke my glasses today. Yes, those 2 pieces of tinted blue plastic lenses supported by my very favourite blue plastic frame.. which helps me live the life, coz Anan's very the buta. So, yeah.. I broke my glasses. How? Id rather not say.. but it was stupid, and uncalled for, accidental perhaps. Dammit.

So now.. blind as a bat as well. Among others.

The fumes were so bad, Kamilova allowed us to leave the Obs&Gyne Dept around half past noon. Which is pretty nice, considering it's Friday and all..So now, Im sittin on my bed wit my laptop on my lap (!), with an almost finished bag of crinkled tomato-olive-basil seasoned chips, and an almost empty carton of white wine. Somehow seems so salah to be hitting it off at 2.30 in the afternoon. Oh well..it keeps me happy, among other things.

I just spoke to his Mum. I just needed it. Im glad she's being so nice to me, and helping me heal. She loves me, as she repeatedly tells me.. I just wish, hhmm.. nevermind. Yeah, fullstop.

I wish I had 3 wishes from a magic lamp genie.. coz I want this!!! Maybe I should come up wit a wish list..! Ohh.. and I like the scrubs too!

I hate being blind. I dont like wearing contact lense. I dont like the thought of having to drag myself to the optician tmrw. Ish..

Ive been downloadin a whole lotta Grey's Anatomy OSTs. Yeah, peculiarly soothing, some of em..

I love my Mummy & Daddy. Yes, I do.

And yeah, you are rite.. I need to get stronger. And, trust me.. I will.

I think Im better today. Yeah, I am.

Thank you, YOU!

moo moo?

Down again..

Posted by anandini at 02:13 AM on October 9, 2007.

Was it some sorta retail therapy when I went out on Saturday and literally bought most things I saw around.. blaming it on necessity? 300 bucks!! Necessity? Hhmmm..perhaps. But I love my red shoes.

It's sorta like the air you breathe... that is, IF you can breathe. Oh, never-frickin-mind...

Meredith Grey said, in 402 of Grey's Anatomy.. 'It hurts even more to let go' She's gotta point.

Babez.. Babez.. Babez *hugs* Y'knw me loves you. Y'knw Sweetie loves you. Y'knw evryone else loves you. All's be a-ok. Despite it all Babez, there are times, in fact more like all the times.. I so wish you were here. Coz, you always have a way of making me feel better. Even if you need to slap me on my face with a wooden laddle. *hugs* Gosh, I miss you so much.

Ok.

I need to stop drinking a whole lot. Im pretty surprised how fast the cognac's drying up. Dammit.. I did not use to be like this. 

Aunty Lily's been so kind to me. She's keeping me goin, in so many ways. Im grateful for her.. She's a wonderful person. Today she told me, 'Anan, watever happens, pls still be my fren. Im always gonna be arnd for u..' Me loves her.

Yes, Im sentimental. And at the moment, Im fragile too. So, it sorta aggravates the sentimental-ness.

Im ok, Im healing. But Im lying to myself. In fact, I told myself Im only gonna be writing in here when Im much cheerful. But honestly, today Im feeling the lowest.. I dont even know why. Just one of those days, I guess. Hhhmmm.. I used to have a different sorta 'one of those days'.. now it's different. Hhhmmm..ok. Not looking back. Im gonna be ok, and I will be ok. 

It still hurts. It hurts a lot today. If only you'd know.

Im gonna go shower, and study a lil and sleep. Maybe if I starve, hunger pangs will take my mind off many things. Hunger pangs, with a pack of cognac of course.

Goodnite. 

moo moo?

And so..

Posted by anandini at 08:54 PM on October 11, 2007.

I wish there was a Dunkin Donut outlet nearby.. I feel like a donut, not literally I mean. Hhmmm... those cinnamon ones. Hhhmmm.. the cinnamon ones. Dammit.

So, tmrw's Friday and we dont have classes. Coz it's Raya. Nice.

Shafi thinks she's dying of stenotic vessels, due to her very massive ingestion of fats. Atherosclerosis. Hhhmm...

If I have eaten.. hhmmmm. It used to be routine. And the take care, and I'll later.. Hhmmm

Yeah, you must have guessed by now.

Its hard, ok.

Nevermind.

Im gonna cook. Cook a whole lot. Then eat, eat a whole lot. And drink. Perhaps a whole lot as well.

God Bless the Dolphins.

And the octupus as well.

moo moo?

Raya Greetings, ya'll...!

Posted by anandini at 06:00 AM on October 13, 2007.

And so...

Eid Mubaraq all..!

You know who ya'll are.. have fun, eat a whole lot, play with a whole lotta meriam meriam.

Me loves ya'll,..!!

 

moo moo?

Its inevitable

Posted by anandini at 07:19 PM on October 14, 2007.

I believe there shall be a life, after death. But first, it has gotta be dead. Working on it.. honestly.

These past few days, more like juz yesterday.. felt like daylight hell. Woke up, thinking about evrything and it sorta blew a fuse.

For a person to be as mean as this, to hurt someone so bad.. it's juz unacceptable. Yet, why do I still await?

Ok. Nevermind.

Im gonna make some pancakes. Ive starved enough.

I wish, it'll all be over soon. I wish, I can be stronger in so many ways. I think I might be shuttin down M0oMo0 soon. 

moo moo?

When?

Posted by anandini at 10:43 PM on October 18, 2007.

Friendster horoscope's frickin true. It's like right of my mind. One helluva Madam Zora, or whoever it is that does all these fricky horoscopish thingies..

QUOTE:
Right now, moving through your life without thinking too hard about what you are doing might not be such a bad idea. You are used to thinking things through -- and that is certainly wise. But moving forward on a project does not always required a detailed road map. It's time to start winging it again -- get back in touch with the unconscious or subliminal stuff in your life, and it will inevitably push you in the right direction. Act on your impulses.
UNQUOTE.

How's that for accuracy. A full 10..!

Im spacing out. I gotta stop spacing out.. esp when Im suddenly required to list the treatment for endometriosis, something I oughta know. But, Im spacing out.

Oh, Ive not had a drop of alco in 3 days. Wait, 4 actually. So, Im not an alcoholic after all, somethin which was startin to freak me out a lil. But then again, the cognac bottle's still there.. and it's just sitting there, all kesian-fied and all. Well, it's not like I drink to drown my heartache.. no, I drink coz it calms my nerves. I dont go to sleep crying, trembling and so on. But sometimes, just sometimes, a lil bit of medicamental dose goes overboard. Hence, the 4day hiatus.

What am I babbling. Geez...

Ive got a new playground.. so, it's definitely confirmed. M0oMo0's gonna just be my past. It's hurts too much to continue browsing thru these pages. 

Ok. Dad's all bangga coz he sent me an MMS. *rolls eyes* Technology and a 56 yr old! Oh, but he's still the coolest!

I wish my Mum was around. Coz at times, I feel so lousy, so useless & ugly.. and she'll look at me and tell me how wonderful and lovely I am, and that'll just do the trick. I wanna stop questioning if I even am worthwhile.. coz rite now, it just doesnt feel so. Coz otherwise....hhmmmm, eff it.

*sigh*

When? 

moo moo?

Wisdom

Posted by anandini at 10:04 PM on October 20, 2007.

QUOTE:
You cant grow as a woman, without having one lousy man in your life.
UNQUOTE.

Does that mean, Im in my old age, by now? 

moo moo?

Ok, and so this may be it.

Posted by anandini at 03:11 AM on October 21, 2007.

Y'knw.. just when you least expect it, just when you feel like all's goin downhill,.. and then, by some weird twist of fate, evyrthing sorta becomes all a-ok. Sorta..

Had a long chat, with 2 of my favouritest people! Skype; God's wonderfulest creation!!! Made me feel so.. special, and somehow made me stronger. I love ya'll.. honestly.

Yes, Im getting there. Acceptance, I know.

To find out more ugly details of it, to learn about all the shit which is still happening.. made me realize, it is now time.

Kiruvin, Happy Birthday dude... *hugs* Have a lovely day, be good! You're a good person, fren!! Thank you for being around...

So, weekend's gonna be hectic. 200 peeps, a whole lotta food. Who's cooking? Us..

Oh.. and of all the wonderful things to happen in the near future, all's making happy.

An iced cold bottle of beer, roasting peanuts while eating nasi impit and kuah kacang... plans for Saturday nite.

Ok. Have a lovely nite, ya'll.

Be good, and go safe the world. 

moo moo?

Goes on.. almost there.

Posted by anandini at 12:07 AM on October 24, 2007.

Ive done it, finally. It feels relieved, yet somewhat sickening. Or rather.. nevermind.

Acceptance. I know, about there..

So GA 404 basically spelled 'Anan's Lifestory' in max volume. Seriously.

QUOTE off Dr Callie, as she spoke to Ruthie's boyfren after she died in surgery;
'You dint love her! You just dint wanna be alone, or maybe she was good for your ego, or maybe.. maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life! You dint love her..!!! BECAUSE YOU DONT DESTROY THE PERSON THAT YOU LOVE!!'
Unquote, as O'Maley comes to pull her away from him.

Ok. I know.. I know.

I'l still hurt, I know. But, Im at the verge of acceptance. Ive past denial,.. perhaps just not totally. But, Im accepting it.

MLN.. my new cuppa tea. Hope it works well. *fingers crossed*

Azlina.. Babez!! You were tryin to call me? With iTalk? Gosh.. you're the bestest! Dont worry ok, Im not drilling holes thru my parietals just yet. Yet. Will Skype you soon.. me loves you, babez!

As for the matter.. yes, The Matter. Well, I dont know. I dont know what to believe anymore. I dont know what to hope for anymore. Im just taking life a day, a time. Ive got angels around, many loved ones who simply make me feel better and stronger just as Im about to plunge downhill. So, I dont know. I really dont know.

Babbling.

So, Blogspot's pissing me off. Mo0M0o will still be moo-ing away after all. These are my pages, these are my stories, this is my life... bitter or sweet, Im standing up for it. So, yeah.. all's cool. Just gotta not read thru my archive.. till Im a lil bit stronger. Can..!

Runnin thru my tracker.. I realise there's someone who Google's my name, and turns up here, DAILY!! Hellow you, leave your footprint and make my day..!

Yeah.. in fact no one leaves comments, or tags anymore. Hhhmmm.. hittin forbidden memory land. Delete, delete, delete.

Ok. No dinner tonite. Hungry as hell.

I'll save the world, and myself.
 

moo moo?

Still at Step 1

Posted by anandini at 08:13 PM on October 25, 2007.

Things are picking up. Hope it stays at this pace, and all'll be pretty lucrative. Yes, lucrative.

Been down with some weird case of stuffy nose and sorts. Pretty cleared up now.. but now, the anaconda's are back at it, amongst my endometrial spiral arteries. Yeah..

Friendster's Horoscope thingy is simply amazing.. honestly. One may believe, or perhaps just take it as a hint. But, watever it has been saying for the wonderful Aquarian, it feels like it's literally speaking directly to me..

To QUOTE:   
If you are feeling stuck in a rut in your life right now, one of the most effective things you can do is let go of any grudges you've been holding -- it will feel like you just attached one hundred helium balloons to your soul. Holding on to memories of how you were wronged isn't going to make things right again. The only way that can possibly happen is if you find some silver lining in that cloud. Move forward, and leave the wrongdoers in your past where they belong.
UNQUOTE.

Note to self.. stressed out phrase, is a very stern order. Live up to it!

Was all geared to head up to Kiev over the weekend, for a photography exhibition organized by the SGI. But then, the anacondas are driving me nuts.. plus Im dry on cash. So, I doubt I'll be joining them.

Oh.. and Shanu dearie, Happy Birthday hunz!!! Dont even know if you read my blog. But nevertheless,... *hugs*

On a different note.. stupid MCQs over at O&G. Cacat-ed to nuts. Kamilova dint wanna listen to what we had to say, sempat sumore to tell me.. 'I expected you all to do better..!' ish...

Ok so.. as expected, it has been MIA again. Just that one email, some few SMSes, and all's back in the dark again. Typical, much expected. Hhmmm..

Told Mum I was not well.. and she SMSed me, tellin me how I oughta pump my systems with Antibiotics, drink plenty of water, sleep well. She even went all, saying I should 'work on my nose and throat' since I dint have fever (exact words!!)..!! Honestly.. even after almost finishing MedSchool, perhaps even after graduating with Masters and what nots,.. she'll still Doctor me!! But hey.. I'd have it no other way! Just find it cute..! And hilarious at times..

As what LiYun said, I guess it's just psychological.. esp since we're having Obs & Gyne now. I sure do hope so..

Workin on somethin new. More details of it soon. Just a thing to keep me busy, keep my mind off disturbing issues.. and to simply stay sane.

Ok. Im off to Lects.

Ta..! Much love.. 

moo moo?

Trust me..

Posted by anandini at 11:38 PM on October 29, 2007.

By some eccentric twist of unimaginable fate.. I survived. The overrated exaggerations is justifiable here. Honestly.

I sorta almost died on Thursday nite. Well, 'almost' being the key word here. After some good long-ago time, I had it again. Breathless, chest tightness, nausea, light headedness. It was horrible. I thought Ive been on 30mg long enough, I was worried for my diminishing level of WBC, hence I thought about time I went back onto the 20mg routine. Boy, was I wrong.. which aint so good of a prognosis now. Missed the last day of Obs & Gyne, missed all those photos.. hope Im not in too much of trouble for missing that one day of class.

Oh well..

Then came Saturday. I was strong, I was stubborn.. yet, I crumbled still. In silence, I broke apart. Was hard as hell.. I felt as though the heartache had pierced rite thru me. Hhmmm... well, there's always a first to evrything. And this 'first' means Im on the right track. It's just so darn difficult.. But, I'll be ok. I hope.

Kiruvin sent me a Frenster msg.. hhmmm, wish I could heed his advice. Thanks dude.. thank you for being around. I mean it..!

Talking to Aunty Lily last nite,.. feel so sad that she's goin thru so much herself. In a way, she keeps me strong.. and I believe there are times when I keep her sane. Our characters are so similar we know how to be around for each other. When I told her Im all up being radioactivated in summer, she kept quiet for a lil while.. then said, 'Anan, I'll be around..' That was so sweet. Thank you, Aunty Lily.

I suddenly thought of A&Ws last nite. The one in PJ, along the same road as Waikiki's. Hhmmm... when?

Oh.. eff it.

So, Obs & Gyne's over. 4 weeks of Estrogens and Progesterones, and vaginas with the occasional uterus!! Enough already.. Now, things are lighter, with Social Med for the next 2 weeks. Classes are in campus.. the extra few minutes in the morning is wonderful.

Unc Shan.. I miss our chats.

Mum & Dad started their annual Deepavali routine. They made muruku and the likes last weekend. All super semangat, coz this time around next year.. I'll be around to celebrate as well. Cant wait, for I know it'll be magical. Mum can finally rub gingerly oil on my head on Deepavali morning again,.. miss that so much

Speakin of which, Im not so much into the whole Deepavali spirit this year. Feels as though Im mourning for something. I take it as a death. We mourn when there's a death. Hhhmmm.. Im too hurt to even think about the festiveness.

Eff it.. Eff it.. Eff it.

QUOTE:
You need a period of stability right now -- it will give you the firm foundation you need to let your mind wander and figure out what next big task you should tackle.
UNQUOTE.

Yes, definitely rite. A snip from my Friendster Horoscope.

Shout It Out!! Medico Squabbles 2007.. CSMU's pioneer Medical Debate. Work's pickin up, all's goin well. Dad wants me to take it slow.. But I need the hecticness, I need to keep busy.. otherwise, I'd be drunk or stoned just to be emotionless.

Ok, I realise Im being very bipolarish. No more ramblings.

Im getting better. Drop me a hug... and I'll be even better. Honestly.

Much love.

moo moo?